Best Rant of All Time. Seriously.

Dec 16 2008

OK, first of all, if you’re offending by profanity, DO NOT READ FURTHER!!!

Again, DO NOT READ THIS BLOG POST IF SWEAR WORDS AND STRONG OPINIONATED LANGUAGE WILL OFFEND YOU.

Skip it right now. I’m warning you in advance. This is not an attempt at negative hook advertising. I’m truly going to bust out some things that I know will be offensive to some.

And if in that offense, you’re going to get pissed at me, or loose respect for me, or decide I’m not a good friend or dude or father or husband or son; or heaven forbid, if this might cause you to unsubscribe from my blog, or never read it again, DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER.

One last time…. I’m about to drop some profanity/crudeness in this post, so please, do not read if that might not be coolio with you.

OK, disclaimer done.

AT&T Rant

Here it is:

AT&T is the most extreme example of a Cluster Fuck company the world and known (unknown too for that matter) universe has ever seen spawned from the depths of shitty company hell.

I’m sorry for the expletives, but honestly, I cannot think of any other word/phrase in the English language to descrive how I feel about this company. The F bomb is the only word. And even that might not be enough.

Let me explain. I used to LOVE AT&T. With a passion. Just ask Brandon Williams. They were the first company I got a cell phone with. I still remember the #: 801-362-8869 (please don’t call that #, it’s not me anymore)

AT&T was the greatest cell phone company around, and everyone knew it. Their network, especially, was just bad ass. I could connect to calls in the middle of nowhere. Utah has some middle of nowhere spots, and I could get signal on AT&T. It was ridiculous how awesome AT&T’s network was. This was back in ’97 to ’00 or so. And then someone at that awesome company decided to change their network to GSM, and when they did, they went from bad ass to just plain ass. And that’s not good in case you were wondering. And they’ve never come back. Ever. Even with BILLIONS of investment into the “nation’s fastest 3G network” with “more bars in more places.”

I should know. I’m a current AT&T customer, and this is the 3rd time I’ve switched back to them from Verizon (who I left AT&T for when they rolled out GSM)

You might ask, why have I gone back to them 3 times? For the cell phones, for the devices. First, it was for was the Motorola Rokr phone. And the network licked. So back to Verizon. Next it was for iPhone version 1. And the network sucked. So back to Verizon. Most recently, the iPhone 3G got me. And the network is the same old, same old plain garbage. I honestly cannot fathom how anyone can be happy with the AT&T network. And it’s not just in UT. In the last 4 months, I’ve attempted to use my iPhone 3G on the AT&T network all over the Wasatch front in UT, across the entire state of WY and parts of SD, in Washington DC, in Vegas, in SoCal, in Burley, ID, in Phoenix, in the Bay Area, and in Paris. You know the only place it worked like you should expect a network in the year 2008 to work? Paris. You know why? It’s not AT&T, you’re roaming on some European network.¹ Can I keep AT&T here in the US and roam on Verizon???

What’s so bad with the network? That would cause the best rant of all time to bubble forth? Well, I consistently drop calls at my home while standing still. Literally, not moving. Same happened in Vegas and DC. The 3G speeds suck. I sat in a parking lot at Wal Mart in Cody, WY and watched my phone go from full strength signal on 3G to full strength Edge back to 2 bars on 3G back to 1 bar on 3G to roaming and finally to no service. While I sat. In my car. Not moving even 2 inches. I actually had to drive over 2 miles for it to even find any network again. Calls cut in and out all the time. They crackle, you loose parts of words. Many times when you dial it takes 30-60 seconds to even connect. When you turn on your phone, it can take FOREVER to find a network. And then the dropped calls. Good flying holy hell. I’ve dropped more calls in 3 months on AT&T than on 5 years on Verizon, and I know you can tell I’m pissed, and that I might be exaggerating, but that is not an exaggeration. I wish I could prove that, but in my soul I know it’s true, take my word for it. AT&T = Dropped Calls. That should be their new slogan: “Try AT&T, we’ll drop your calls like a hot potato.” They could even retain 50cent to write a song called: “Drop ‘em like a bad habit.” I can picture the performance/lyrics now. They’d sell more phones I’m sure.

And my issues are not related to the iPhone, to the device. How do I know? These are the EXACT same things I saw when I had the Rokr for 3 weeks. When I had version 1 iPhone for a month. And now. The same things that started happening when they switched to GSM. AT&T’s wireless network is complete and utter crap. And I talk to so many people that are on AT&T who say, it’s not that bad. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. But you know what, if you dig, they admit they drop tons of calls. They admit calls crackle up sometimes. They admit it’s slow. They admit the coverage is crap. And they admit that if compared to Verizon or to TMobile or to Sprint or to just calling people between two cans connected with string that AT&T is indeed worse than all those other options.

I guess it’s sort of like girlfriends. AT&T was my first love, my first girlfriend, and she was hot. And then she treated me wrong. Really wrong. So I left her for a new girlfriend, and that girlfriend was really solid, not the best looking, etc. but a solid girlfriend. And then AT&T had some ‘augmentation’ done. Rokr. Looking good again, so I switched back, but when I went back, I realized she was still a beatrice. So I left again, back to my solid but not bestest looking girlfriend, and like a solid girlfriend, she took me back. Then AT&T got me all hopped up with her iPhone glamour shot and I ran into her by chance, and bam, back with her. Guess what, still a biotch. So back with my tail between my legs to my solid 5/10 girlfriend, and she took me back again. But then iPhone 3G. 3G man. She promises the attitude and crap is all fixed. She’s gone to therapy she says, turned over a new leaf. So I’m suckered in again. Know what? All lies. Lies I tell you!!. I’ve realized that 5/10 on looks but 10/10 on being a good girlfriend is so much better. AT&T is a superficial whore in the world of girlfriends. Verizon is the OK looks girl with a smokin’ personality. I’ve learned some hard lessons. In the world of girlfriends, I’ll take personality and being treated right over looks any day. (BTW, I’m married, have been for almost 10 years, this is an analogy.)

The only thing that matters for a wireless company is the NETWORK. And AT&T’s network sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks, sucks!!

Now least you think I’m only 1 dimensional in my rant about AT&T, and I’m just an isolated squeaky wheel, let me talk a little bit about customer service. Actually, I’m going to let my assistant Meagen talk about it since I don’t deal with it, she has the pleasure of doing it for me and all of Doba. Here, in it’s entirety, is her blog post (which riled me up with this post of my own that I’ve known was long overdue) she put up today on her blog at meagenridley.blogspot.com:

So I, (along with several co-workers) recently switched to the AT&T cell phone network from Verizon after the long awaited arrival of the new iPhone 3g. I had heard a few negative comments in regards to the AT&T network- dropping calls and being static-y (sp?) but I went into the new network with an open mind and a very happy heart having my new iPhone. Most of the negativity was coming from the direction of one of my bosses, Jeremy Hanks. But I told him repeatedly that a network could not be THAT bad, and maybe his problems were user-error â˜º. But alas, I have been proven wrong, and I am writing this post for two reasons. First, to publicly say that my boss, Jeremy Hanks, was correct with his AT&T frustrations. Jer, you were right all along. I should have listened to you. And second, to vent all of my anger and frustration with AT&T over the last month.

So, I, me, Meagen Ridley, set up the business account for my work. We had several employees that wanted to get their hands on iPhones 3g’s and I put into motion our plan to move everyone from our original Verizon business account (approx. 15 voice lines) to the new AT&T account. I was and am the only â€œauthorized userâ€ on this said AT&T account. So, I moved over 5 total lines at this time. Things were moving smoothly. Then I called the AT&T customer support/care line one day to move over an additional line from Verizon (like I had done 3 times prior to) and was told that I was not an authorized user on the account and that they would have to contact this person in order to get me authorized. Umm, okay? Well, I know I am the ONLY person authorized on the account. I told them this and the rep said they would call the mystery user (since it was against the rules to tell me the exact name) and that he/she would need to call them before I could do anything further. Ok, fine, Iâ€™ll play their silly little game, thinking that they would end up calling me. But they didnâ€™t and who ever they called didnâ€™t return the favor. So I called again a few days later. The same thing, and here is where my frustration starts to grow. So, this second time around I give them every possible name of higher ranking employees at Doba, knowing full well there is no possible way any name other than my own on the account. Nope, none of them were listed as the authorized users. So I told the rep that I would just go to an AT&T store to get it straightened out and hung up.

Well, today I went to my local AT&T location and was told that I was the only authorized user on the account, but I was not the authorized â€œorder-placerâ€ and thatâ€™s why I was having all of the problems. WHAT!? How can I set up the account, set up new lines, transfer numbers to and from and now I canâ€™t do anything with the account? According to the service rep, AT&T had recently changed their processes and I would need to contact the small business rep to get my name on the account. So we did that, right then and there. But, according to the small business rep, it will take approximately one week in order to get my name on the account. WHAT?! ONE WEEK? Are you kidding me? This is ridiculous! I’m the ONLY user! I have done everything there is to do on a cell phone small business account and now I can do NOTHING. Iâ€™ve wasted two phone calls and a trip (in the first big snow storm of the season I might add) to the AT&T store and I am still were I started over a month ago. UGH.

I donâ€™t know how anyone uses this service. Even if they were to solve their customer service problems, it does nothing to fix their network issues. I have experienced numerous dropped calls in the last 3 months and I can barely hear the other end while driving and talking. I never had problems with anything while on the Verizon service. I will never recommend AT&T to anyone. Sure, you can have a cool iPhone, but itâ€™s not worth their pain in the ass customer service or crap network. Go with Verizon. Their network and customer service is far superior. Hereâ€™s waiting until 2010 when I can return to Verizon without a cancellation fee. But the $175 may be worth my sanity if these problems donâ€™t get resolved ASAP. – Meagen Ridley

I have to say, I like my iPhone. I LOVE the app store. But like I went over in my previous analogy, what girlfriend do I really want? I want one with a personality over looks, dammit, and so with that, Verizon honey, I’m coming home if you’ll have me.

And for the first 5 people who actually man (or woman) up and agree with me that AT&T truly is worse than the fiery breath of Satan after he’s pounded some garlic and jalapeno nachos, I’ll give you $20 of my own money towards your cancellation fees. Just post your intentions in the comments, with your real email and I can get in touch with you through WordPress.

BTW, I have an iPhone to sell. Someone please buy it from me before I toss the damn thing out the window of my car when I drop a call tomorrow. As sure as the sun will come up in the morning, if I talk on that phone tomorrow, AT&T WILL drop a call. I can’t take it anymore, and I can’t support a company that sucks the life out of me with my frustrations. I have more important things to worry about. End of the longest rant I’ve ever had the privilege of proffering to the world.

Happy holidays, and to all a good night.

¹ Just watched a commercial of theirs online. When they say best coverage, and more bars in more places, you know what the fine print at the bottom says? “Coverage claim Based on Global Coverage.” Caught ‘em. They’re basing their claims on global data, and all that is driven off their roaming agreements with OTHER companies. False advertising SOBs.